PA Humorous Speech Contest 2010

The finals of the PA 7th Humorous Speech Challenge Cup 2010 was held on Sat 2 Oct 2010 at Nee Soon South CC. I had lost all confidence of winning the contest as the other contestants I had heard at the Preliminary round were very competent speakers and my speech seemed lacklustre in comparison.

I decided to write a new speech for the finals but could not summon the energy to do so till the night before the contest.  This is the first time I enter a contest so unprepared.  I had to use the old speech title 'Are You Ready?' as it was already printed in the program booklet even though my new speech title was 'How to Train a Man'. During the speech, I forgot my lines: I lost the 2nd paragraph and some lines in the closing.  Thankfully, I was able to recover quite well.  The audience laughter was loudest during the part about rewards for men, especially the 2nd F.  

Surprise ending? I was placed 2nd runner-up!!! I had left the contest early to go back to work and when I received congratulatory smses from my friends and fellow Katong members, I was astounded, stunned and speechless.  


Here's the speech that helped me win 3rd prize:

HOW TO TRAIN A MAN

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Snow White.  She eventually met her Prince Charming and they lived happily ever after.

Good afternoon, distinguished judges, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you believe in happily ever after?

(Wow so many innocent souls out there! or All of you are as cynical as I am?)

When I was a young and innocent little girl, I believed in "happily ever after" but not anymore, especially NOT after I got married because the Prince Charming I had married had somehow mutated into Mr Alarming!! When I asked my married girlfriends, it seems this mutation is quite universal.

Before marriage, my man was absolutely endearing, invariably patient and unconditionally helpful.  For example, he would help me mark my students' assignments (I used to be a teacher) or go the extra mile to buy some food I was craving for.  When we go out on dates, he would tell me how beautiful I looked.  Now I even have to ask him what he thinks of my new haircut because he would barely notice.

Seeing how many celebrity couples have split up and even friends going through divorce, I realised marriage requires hard work. I read up all kinds of marriage self-help books and came to the conclusion: I have to train my man so that we could live, if not happily, at least tolerably together ever after.

Based on the collective wisdom of many authors, the secret to training a man involves CPR. C for consequences, P for punishment and R for Rewards.  

The prelude to this rigorous training is first to establish what kinds of behaviours are off-limits in the marriage.  For example, do not leave your dirty socks or clothes on the floor, place them in the laundry basket.  Do not leave your wet towel lying around, place it on the railing in the toilet.  When I talk to you about my problems, just listen, don't offer solutions.  Of course the list will differ for each couple.  You will find that some actions lend themselves to logical consequences.  If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the laundry basket, then they don't get washed.  After a while, he should get the message.  Impose a corresponding consequence for each offending action and keep to it consistently.  

For actions that do not have logical consequences, that's when PR comes in.  You impose your own consequences in the form of punishment or reward.

There are many ways to punish a man but the 3 most effective ways are emotional blackmail, silent treatment and hide-and-seek.

Emotional blackmail includes crying, throwing tantrums or acting hysterical and should be used sparingly only for serious offences for it to be effective.  

Silent treatment involves totally ignoring him for at least 24 hours, if it's only 2 or 3 hours, it won't be effective. In fact, one website eHow.com recommends 1-2 days of silent treatment, and increase to 2-3 days if the offence is repeated.

Hide-and-seek means you hide, he seeks.  This is my personal favourite.  It involves hiding something of great importance to him such as the air-con or tv remote control  When he asks for it, 'Dear, where is the remote control?', just feign ignorance.

Punishment must be painful for it to be effective.  On the other hand, when your man performs well, do reward him as positive reinforcement.  I suggest the 3Fs.

The first F is for food.  It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  Keep a copy of makan sutra at home and let him know which dish or recipe he will get to enjoy for his efforts.

The second F is for fantasy.  Keep a copy of karma sutra at home and let him know which position he gets to enjoy for being good.  Better still, play dress up as a nurse, schoolgirl or sex siren (on different occasions of course!) to give him the illusion he is making out with different women.  I am sure this will be an effective antidote to unfaithfulness.

The 3rd F is freedom.  Give him freedom to do whatever he wants but within limits of course.  He gets some 'me-time' to enjoy his macho activities like watching soccer or fishing with his buddies.

So there you have it: CPR - the way to train a man.  However, there is a caveat.  There are some things you just can't train a man to do.  For example, it has been socially confirmed and scientifically proven that men can only do one thing at a time.  I can't talk to my husband when he is driving because he will miss a turn and say it's my fault.  According to author Allan Pease, men's brains are specialised, compartmentalised, and configured to concentrate on one specific dedicated task at once.  So no point training your man how to multi-task because he just won't get it.  

In conclusion, marriage is hard work.  Ladies, use CPR everyday to train your man so you can enjoy living with him under the same roof and perhaps even find your 'happily ever after'.

  

Humorous Speech Contests 2010: ARE YOU READY?

Having moved on from the role of Area Governor, I was looking forward to joining the contest circuit again and raring to go.  This speech about parenting had been brewing in my mind for a long time. 

I presented it at my club contest and it was a hit with the audience.  At the PA 7th Humorous Speech contest, I sailed through to the finals with the speech, although I felt it was lacklustre compared to the other speeches.  At the Area Z3 contest, I was 1st runner-up.  


Here's the speech. Enjoy reading it. =)

ARE YOU READY?           
                   

GOOD EVENING ladies and gentlemen,

How many of you here have kids?

How many of you here have kids but wish you didn’t?

(either respond: Looks like I'm the only honest person here tonight. 

Or Wow, I found my soulmates!)

For the lucky ones who do not have kids, who would like to have kids one day?

I’m sure you think babies are cute and adorable right?  Wrong!!

That is a misguided notion, a misconception, a myth.

Babies are cute and adorable only when (1) they belong to someone else and (2) you only need to spend 5 minutes with them.  Try being the main caregiver having to spend hours and hours with a baby day in and day out and you will certainly change your mind.

Potential parents, are you ready for the challenges of parenting? Tonight, allow me to enlighten you regarding the sacrifices and challenges of parenting from a mother's perspective.

First, the sacrifices.  As a parent, there are 3 Ses you must be prepared the sacrifice. The first S is SLEEP.  This unfortunately applies mostly to mothers. Do you know that new mothers develop enhanced sensitivity to sound? This has been scientifically proven to be part of women's maternal wiring. That means mothers wake easily even to the slightest rustle or whimper of the baby. Unlike the husbands who will just continue to snore and sleep on like a baby. The only time they will wake up in the middle of the night is during World Cup season.

The second S is a three-letter word. Yes, SEX!!! Which in all fairness, applies mostly to fathers.  Many husbands have lamented the fact that they are relegated to second place once baby comes along.  And babies are the biggest sex killer of all.  When mothers are exhausted with breastfeeding and feeling unsexy with all the postnatal weight gain, what is the last thing on their minds? That probably explains why the red light district in Geylang has such a thriving business.

The third S is SANITY.  A thousand and one things about bringing up kids will drive you crazy.  You can go crazy when baby cries and cries non-stop and nothing you do will pacify him. Or the food you have painstakingly prepared for baby ends up on the floor instead of in his mouth. Or when your preschooler comes home spewing some vulgarity he has picked up from school.  The list goes on and on. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I’ve felt like giving my kids away.  That is when you need to do some sanity-restoring activities like take a walk in the park, sing karaoke or join a speech contest to pour out your woes, like what I'm doing now.

Now that you’ve heard about the sacrifices of parenting, are you ready to hear about the challenges? Kids will challenge you in 3 ways: They will test your knowledge, they will try your patience and they will question your values.

Children, being creatures of curiosity, will constantly test your knowledge. Sometimes they will ask you the strangest questions. I’ve been asked by my kids: “Why is the moon following us?”; “What animals have no blood?”; “Why can't I see God?”; “Why is that woman so fat?” and so on. Children basically expect their parents to be experts in all fields be it science, zoology, or theology. Thankfully I can use the impromptu speaking skills I have learnt in Toastmasters when put on the spot.

Children try your patience. Do you know that kids love to dawdle especially when you are running late. The more you ask them to hurry, the slower they get. And when you give an instruction, you expect it to be followed NOW, but kids will take their own sweet time especially at bedtime. Joel, come to bed now. Wait mommy I’m hungry, I need to eat something. Or I’m thirsty, I need to drink some water. No wonder the Bible says, "Love is Patient". I'm sure God designed this verse with kids in mind.

Last but not least, kids will question our values. So often we tell our kids to do as we say, but they do as we do.  Which explains why we must be on our best role-model behaviour at all times!! That is such a tall order.  Once I reprimanded my boy, don't talk so rude to mommy, he asked me, "Then why you shout at grandma last time?" Oh boy, was I guilty.  Another time, while driving, a driver cut in front of me, causing me to jam on my brakes.  My 4-year-old son immediately verbalised my thought, "Stupid driver!!" Our children become who we are so unless we practise the values we preach, our kids will definitely question them.

All these challenges can really get you down and beseige you with feelings of frustration and failure.  I'm sure many parents here will agree with me that parenting is the hardest job in the world!

Now that you've heard all about the sacrifices and challenges of parenting, are you ready for it? Don't worry, I have the perfect solution for you.  To be prepared for parenting, we can introduce hands-on practice, like what we do in Toastmasters.  I happen to have 2 very cute and adorable boys who are 4 and 7 years old.  In the spirit of caring and sharing, I am happy to avail them for hire at a very special rate of $20 per day for a minimum of 3 days.  

If after 3 days of hands-on practice, you find the experience tolerable, or even pleasurable, then truly you are ready for the sacrifices and challenges of parenting, the hardest job in the world.